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being-a-bigger-person

I’ve always suspected my parents screwed me up really bad. And still, seeing proofs of it in my everyday life keeps catching me by surprise.

My mother always told me one needs to be a “bigger person”. They disrespect you? Still show your respect. They insult you? Still stay polite. They hurt you? Smile and forgive. Take a deep breath. Be a bigger person. Let it go.

This is what she used to say.

However herself, she always had a truly amazing ability to find your weak spots, no matter how deep they were hiding. As if she had an x-ray installed. With so much as a word or a gesture, she could put you in an emotional coma that would cost you up to months of normal functioning as a person. No matter if she just met you. I hope you didn’t have any plans for your inner peace in the coming future.

And this was what she used to do.

I was always a child easy to influence. I believed everything people told me. But soon enough I discovered that I could see the weak spots of people as well, recognizing the way to make them miserable with so much as a word. The x-ray turned out to be hereditary. Unlike my mother though, it was too late. I have become a bigger person by then. It got imprinted in me becoming my nature.

So now I’m Gozilla. I’m King Kong. I’m Gulliver visiting Lilliput land. Sometimes I wonder how I still fit the doors or my bed. Well, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes my bed feels uncomfortable till late in the night. Maybe that’s the reason. I see so many ways I could take revenge, so many ways I could pay you back. Sophisticated, elegant, brilliant ones. You wouldn’t even notice at first, you would have no idea what hit you. So much as a couple of words will burn inside and mess up with your head bad enough to make you search for a nearby therapist.

But I can’t. I’m the (very big) kid outside of the candy store looking through the glass window, knowing there won’t be any candy for him, because he has diabetes.

I will show respect, I will stay polite, I will smile and forgive. And if I have to, I will make you hate my guts, I will make you think I’m an awful person. If there is no other way, if otherwise there will be more than one person miserable, I’d rather take it upon myself. Because I am King Kong, I am Gulliver visiting Lilliput land.

I wish I could be seven dwarfs, the Lilliput, or the stepmother giving the Snow White the apple (something tells me she was also a short person). At least for once. Maybe then I’ll finally shrink enough to make my bed comfy again.

But it looks like I’ll never find out. Because I’m Gozilla from its movie played backwards, helping rebuild that burned down city to then moonwalk back into the ocean, as if nothing happened. And nobody will ever know I was even there.

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